Happy New Year 2018!

It’s finally 2018!

As we head into a new year, we’re leaving another behind. Another 365 days are past us, and many of us are eager to wipe away past mistakes and start anew. With the first day of 2018 done, there’s plenty of optimism with the remaining 364 days to come.

I’ve heard some people say that it shouldn’t be a big deal to celebrate another day passing by– after all, it’s us humans who invented calendars and clocks to quantify our lives as they eventually count down until our *indeterminate* death. While that’s true and I do agree with it, I think it’s a rather cynical way of perceiving what’s supposed to be a time of joy, reconciliation, even renewal. Granted, I consider myself a cynic most times, but I can’t help but revel in the New Year just like with everyone else. Coupled with Christmas and the winter season, New Year’s Day has that festive atmosphere to it, as it’s filled with friends and loved ones coming together to revel in good cheer. And of course, you can’t forget the champagne…

With 2017, we saw a great deal of change happening in the world. One of the biggest ones had to be the inauguration of Donald Trump into the Oval Office, which has since yielded nothing but unfortunate results for the United States– indeed, the country is looking grimmer day-by-day… Apart from that, there’s the “usual” news of racism, terrorism, prejudice, global warming, and whatever bad news you can think of. Doesn’t seem like much good news gets put out there nowadays.

On a personal level, though, I found 2017 to actually be one of my better years I’ve experienced in a while. It might not have been the most amazing one, but I felt that I was happier and more at peace than before. Sure, there were moments of discomfort and doubt, but I think that I’ve slowly learned to handle them better, and learned to move on.

If there’s one word to describe my 2017 year, it would be “reconciliation.” Like I wrote, this year was a matter of slowing down and reflecting about my future. More particularly, I was reflecting on whether I wanted to stay in France after my second year as an assistante by applying to be a lectrice. Granted, I wanted to be a lectrice, but there was also a feeling in the back of my head that wondered whether I would like to continue being a *part-time* English teacher in France, especially with so many obstacles stacked against me as a foreigner, a person of color, and being so culturally different. I like France, but over the years I’ve started becoming frustrated, even disillusioned, over my inability to fit in, let alone feel completely comfortable in French society. It’s so different from what I’ve grown up with in Los Angeles, and I’ve come to accept that perhaps it’s not the country that I was meant to stay in for the long term.

While it might sound like a pessimistic form of reconciliation, I don’t see it that way– in fact, thanks to this realization, I’ve come to know myself a bit better in terms of my abilities, my limits, and my aspirations that I hope to implement once I feel my time in France is over. As of now, I do intend to stay on for another year as a lectrice as my contract permits it, but we’ll see come later this spring. After that, we’ll see where I take myself– perhaps across the world?

I think this notable shift I see in myself was due to the people I surrounded myself with both at the beginning of and later in the year. During the first half, I was still an assistante: looking back, I think it was the teaching situation that made me feel like I was being treated like a child or, even worse, as someone who didn’t feel valued. Along with the other assistant(e)s with whom I lived, we just didn’t feel like we were learning anything from our job. Fast-forward to September, I started teaching as a lectrice: while it’s not to say that it’s perfect, I was given much more responsibility than I ever had before– there was definitely pressure to perform, e.g. teach full-size classes, distribute exams and grades, with also the expectation that I was, well, an actual teacher, not just some puppet.

Aside from work, the people that I now surrounded myself with are older than me, compared with being one of the “older” veterans as an assistante last year– in fact, I’m one of the youngest in my friend’s group, as many of them are in their late twenties, nearing thirties. While there will always be people who act “young for their age,” I think many of my older friends have had the experience to “know themselves,” as well as handle difficulties better. There’s a different mentality that I feel between my time as an assistante and as a lectrice, which I believe has helped me come to better terms with myself. There’s still a long way to go, but this first step is just what I needed.

This New Year’s post is starting to ramble (or rather, it has already rambled). I’ll close out by saying that I hope to “find myself” more this year. Considering that I’m nearing the “quarter-life crisis,” I’m anticipating that it won’t be such a crisis when it does happen!

I’m still on my two month-plus break from work, and I’ll be heading out again in a few days to travel– from there, it’ll be relatively nonstop for the month of January, as I’m fully planning on making the most of it before I have to slave myself during second semester. I’ll be writing about my past Christmas holidays along the coasts of Italy and Spain, to be published soon. Here’s a photo teaser of what to expect:

Let me know your thoughts about this past year, and your aspirations for this year. I wish all of you a joyous celebration, and a wonderful 2018!

— Rebecca